hello......... i truly have nothing to say maybe one of these days i'll feel more complex , maybe i am scared of contradicion because earlier today it felt like every thought i had was impulsive and intrusive and contradicted my 'self, i feel this often but it passes and then i get like this hmmmm hm h hm hm hm hi

9.14.25 so many people iknow have tried to kill themselves.. i talk with them and we understand each other, i feel, but i'm weird about intamacy and they often are as well so it just seems so dreary. i'm embarrassed to have talked openly about suicide. it's contradictory,,,ikeep thinking it over, i'm goingto become an adult and then we'll see how it is. there's so much, it's so overwhelming and underwhelming at the same, time, it's sort of compromising. no process, progression makes it hard to feel certain on anything. i should be writing in a physical journal, but i'm not. so much. and i don't even know. maybe it'll feel less like this as i age, maybe it won't seem like so much anymore

9.20 i wrote a bunch in my journal today so it's ok to type ,here, now. by the time i am twenty i will probably still live with my mother. i'll be in college, but i won't be completely and financially independent. it was kind of a shock to me, but i didn't think otherwise beforehand. i think financial independence will save me in a way. but i know i will never be truly free, as complete freedom is a fictive ideal and whoever thinks they are completely free is getting their mind raped by the government. so many people who ended up doing destructive things were financially dependent, lived with their parents and struggled to have jobs or even finish education. i believe that being liberated from their 'root', from their first, involuntary institution, the family, could have helped their mental state in some way. a lot of them get into this depressive state, thinking it doesn't matter if they acheive social 'milestones', or work toward 'being a functional member of society'. while i do think they have a point ,,acheieving things like this that you apply value to, that liberate you from what you have not had control over, can help your mental state. maybe i'll go as far as to say they may not have carried out their destructive action. but whatever everything that has happened up to this point happened and i wouldn't change anything at all no i would not i've been so fucking talkative the past few days and i've written so so much it's kind of insane what happened to give me so much to talk about gosh

9.23 i don't remember most of what i write... it feels like it's been forever between entries.

10.1 suicide is embarrassing to think about sometimes.,, the buddhists were onto something. escaping...the prison....of dukka...mayall beings live in-guess what!!- equinimity! my favourite state... free from attachment! and aversion! indifference is not bad. it's a bit funny to think so. stop raping your values onto us... you hypocrites!

that is to say, i'm still carrying out my attempts to reach goals.. they are very self-centered and that is ok ! maybe once i reach my goals i'll feel ....done..... done done done...having different values as a person does not give them the right to persecute you for not agreeing with them or quote unquote 'threatening' their values. value and moral does not always have anything to do with action either,

10.23 i feel the most depressed i think i've been in awhile. makes it hard to function, but i know it's in my reach. fuck my friend tried to kill himself today. i don't know why or how, he's been off for weeks. that wasn't what made me feel like this. it wasn't even anything specific. i've been working out super often, lifting weights. i thought it helps with depression, but i just feel worse. i dont' remember it being this bad in class ever. i love my classes and i don't want to miss anything but i don't know if i can do it. i almost cry every ten minutes.